Well...

I remember when it was safe. When the woods could scare me and all I had to do was run home. When the biggest bully could be told on and his mom would give it to him. I remember dancing with my mom in our living room to the Top Gun sound track. I wish I could go back, I wish. I want to get yelled at for leaving my skateboard or bike out on the lawn all night. I wish someone would ask me if I needed help with my homework. I want to wrestle with my dad. I wish I could feel protective of my sisters again. There was a reason I didn't listen. It was to teach while I learned... Was I the only one listening? Where were you when Cindy left? She was the best part of my youth. I knew love. I loved looking into her eyes just to see an honest lady staring back into mine. We had only love and lust and each other. To this day instead of goodbye I wish she would have said marriage. But with a breath, again she was gone. I looked but they were busy, my parents, fighting over there love. The taste of inebriation was my next long dance. I tried every facet I could. Alcohol was great at numbing, pot was great for erasing, pills made me forget why I was, speed made me remember, fights made me week because I lost most, and family made me feel like I would never be enough even though they never turned their backs on me. Several more years slipped by until... I fell again for another beauty that was true. I found my lady in the water. She held my heart and I swear if she showed up at my door tomorrow I would buckle like a blade of grass in the wind and except her back into my life as though nothing ever happened. We never fought. We played. She loved me and I left her. A month she cried for me to come home. A month and I came home unaware that I had hurt her. It was too much for her and I didn't show her how serious I was about her. But it was too late and she was gone... Tears. Booze. Drugs. Jobs. Mix them together. Finances lost. I lost Nik... He was one of the most influential friends of my life and I was hurt so I turned on him. Turned on them all. They held onto me for as long as they could. John had a family. Nik left with the woman I thought would kill him and almost did. Dan committed to the military. Frank stayed around until I was worthless. I remember Frank looking at me in shame and then I walked away. He never said anything but I knew. Trevor would have told me but I would have beat him senseless. I had to get away from myself so of course I ran. Three weeks later I arrived in Colorado. Mandy said it and I believed her. You can be whoever you want where nobody knows you. Others told me you can't run from your problems. I did change. I found friends and work and more trouble. I met Racheal and lost everything but gained a son which is more than I have ever done in my life. I watched him open his eyes and hold onto me for dear life. She was so beautiful once. She still is just not to me. I'm sure my boy looks at her and can see Frigga deserving a day named after her... If he could it would be Rachday... I miss my mom. Laying on her bed with her and my dad and my sisters. The dogs did funny things, I was a sap and a ham, Mandy was always such a lady, Emily was born with shoes on, my dad and mom were fools but they learned and laughed. We all laughed. I have these nightmares were I can't leave my parents bathroom. Dad is gone and my mom can't hear me. I'm young but I know what I have to do. The whole place catches on fire and all I have to do is leave through the window and... then I wake up and the first thought is of Tommy... Tommy... Will he ever know his family... My family...Will I ever know him? Will he ever see her with her gray hair and beautiful smile and my heart and crawl into her arms and ask if it's alright? Will he ever be safe like I want to be? Well will you ever be her?