Well...

I remember when it was safe. When the woods could scare me and all I had to do was run home. When the biggest bully could be told on and his mom would give it to him. I remember dancing with my mom in our living room to the Top Gun sound track. I wish I could go back, I wish. I want to get yelled at for leaving my skateboard or bike out on the lawn all night. I wish someone would ask me if I needed help with my homework. I want to wrestle with my dad. I wish I could feel protective of my sisters again. There was a reason I didn't listen. It was to teach while I learned... Was I the only one listening? Where were you when Cindy left? She was the best part of my youth. I knew love. I loved looking into her eyes just to see an honest lady staring back into mine. We had only love and lust and each other. To this day instead of goodbye I wish she would have said marriage. But with a breath, again she was gone. I looked but they were busy, my parents, fighting over there love. The taste of inebriation was my next long dance. I tried every facet I could. Alcohol was great at numbing, pot was great for erasing, pills made me forget why I was, speed made me remember, fights made me week because I lost most, and family made me feel like I would never be enough even though they never turned their backs on me. Several more years slipped by until... I fell again for another beauty that was true. I found my lady in the water. She held my heart and I swear if she showed up at my door tomorrow I would buckle like a blade of grass in the wind and except her back into my life as though nothing ever happened. We never fought. We played. She loved me and I left her. A month she cried for me to come home. A month and I came home unaware that I had hurt her. It was too much for her and I didn't show her how serious I was about her. But it was too late and she was gone... Tears. Booze. Drugs. Jobs. Mix them together. Finances lost. I lost Nik... He was one of the most influential friends of my life and I was hurt so I turned on him. Turned on them all. They held onto me for as long as they could. John had a family. Nik left with the woman I thought would kill him and almost did. Dan committed to the military. Frank stayed around until I was worthless. I remember Frank looking at me in shame and then I walked away. He never said anything but I knew. Trevor would have told me but I would have beat him senseless. I had to get away from myself so of course I ran. Three weeks later I arrived in Colorado. Mandy said it and I believed her. You can be whoever you want where nobody knows you. Others told me you can't run from your problems. I did change. I found friends and work and more trouble. I met Racheal and lost everything but gained a son which is more than I have ever done in my life. I watched him open his eyes and hold onto me for dear life. She was so beautiful once. She still is just not to me. I'm sure my boy looks at her and can see Frigga deserving a day named after her... If he could it would be Rachday... I miss my mom. Laying on her bed with her and my dad and my sisters. The dogs did funny things, I was a sap and a ham, Mandy was always such a lady, Emily was born with shoes on, my dad and mom were fools but they learned and laughed. We all laughed. I have these nightmares were I can't leave my parents bathroom. Dad is gone and my mom can't hear me. I'm young but I know what I have to do. The whole place catches on fire and all I have to do is leave through the window and... then I wake up and the first thought is of Tommy... Tommy... Will he ever know his family... My family...Will I ever know him? Will he ever see her with her gray hair and beautiful smile and my heart and crawl into her arms and ask if it's alright? Will he ever be safe like I want to be? Well will you ever be her?

Happy Birthday MOM!

You are older today! Happy Birthday... Tommy

Because nobody answers their phone...

I have had a dull pain in my right abdomen between my ribcage and bellybutton for two days. It has slowly become worse and when I wake is rather sharp. Throughout the night and day I feel quick painful bursts. I will probably go to the hospitol tomorrow morning. It may be my appendix which might have to come out...

Here I come to save the day!

The weather forecast said it would be humid. I believe "100 percent humidity" was mentioned. To me, that meant, turn the fan towards the bed because 70 degrees blowing from the air conditioning still isn't enough. When I peered out the window, the lamp across the street already had a halo, or more like an orb around it. Apparently, a cloud had parked itself outside and there was absolutely no wind to convince it to move on.
Outside seems a little eerie. I would have expected complete silence but with the cover, every form of nature had opened there mouths. The sound was as though I was in a low budget horror flick from the south.
I slipped into a light slumber before the sound started. Something started lightly tapping their nails on the wall downstairs... at first. I thought,"It's probably just the neighbor lady." I dosed back off. A few minutes in a light slumber feels like an eternity. Then the sound changed. I can't tell but I think she started digging into the wall with a spoon. I keep listening, a little more awake now, to the slow dragging sound.
My mind started wandering. I thought of a slow, methodic man attempting to escape from prison using a stolen spoon. A young couple sitting outside in a porch swing slowly rocking while the chain rubs on the large thick hook could emit such a noise. But no... There was a little ick sound every couple of seconds quietly hiding behind the rubbing or grinding or gnawing.
I'm now awake. I hesitated for a couple more minutes before rising like Nosferatu. Since I was in imagination mode I actually tried to rise like Orlock before simply sitting up. A few moments later, I had pulled on my used jeans a pair of flippy floppys, and my pit-stained tee to track down this mysterious sound.
My mind was wandering. I had that scared feeling a child has when they turn off the light and bound into bed from several feet away just so the monsters can't grab them.
For an added effect, the lamp between the condos was flickering and my mind really started to take off. Zombies were a couple feet passed the visibility line scratching at the windows.
The sound stopped!
I froze. Seconds slipped by, feeling like hours. Frogs, crickets, bugs of all sorts were audible, but not that damn sound. I forced myself to push on in a quick three step frenzy. One, Two, Three!
I'm sure the down stairs lady thinks different of me to this day. I'm sure the armadillo hasn't heard a grown man scream at the top of his lungs. After lurching back from the "Zombie-Dillo" and explaining to the neighbor why I was outside her bedroom window, I managed to get inside. I locked my door, laid down in shame, and laughed so hard I started to weep... Only from one eye though!

Rebuilding this Wreck

Somewhere inside, there is motivation... Motivation to do things you really don't want to because of the inconvience this action brings. I am forcing myself to become motivated. A genuine lack of energy sits heavy on me. I start off really slow. My movements are akward and clumsy. If I could look into my own eyes, I would be able to see how discontent I am. My heart rate starts to rise. The sweat glands all over my body turn on at once. They aren't flooding, but they are working. It's too early for heavy breathing but for some reason I am. My mind starts moving at three times the speed of time. It's as though I've just begun that slow motion sceen in a dream sequence that isn't going to end for hours... Now each capilary is opening. Heat creeps from the top of my skull slowly throughout my body. I should have turned the air on. I can feel my heart pumping blood at an insane rate now. This is supposed to be good? I feel as though at any moment, I could break down... Running out of gas...I can hear the music slowly building. My heart holds the rythm, my over breathing and weasing carries some of the melody. I'm out of key. I'm out of shape. Maybe that's why I keep pushing on this day one. Soon I hope this feeling will leave because I am so responsibly uncomfortable.